my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
