Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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