The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
my liver is dry heaving
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
