The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
