the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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