He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
