There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
