Where did you get a picture of my penis
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
