saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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