god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
