That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
