Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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