just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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