Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
