he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
