Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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