Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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