I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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