Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
