So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
