i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
