I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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