We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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