Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
