She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
