You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
