dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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