I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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