you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
