Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
