genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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