Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
