I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
