There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
