Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
