apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
