no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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