I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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