I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
