You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
