How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Can i not drive my cunt home
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
