Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I AM VODKA MAN
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
