Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
