Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
