Moan for me like Helen Keller
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
