You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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