he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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