I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
