Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
