So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
