she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
